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 Величайшие металлические стебщики Lawnmower Deth распались уже более 10 лет назад, но все это время в мире тяжелой музыки регулярно появляются команды, которые пытаются переплюнуть достижения культовых англичан. Рассматриваемый коллектив – как раз из этой когорты, что понятно уже по его названию (“crotchduster” можно перевести как «тряпка для вытирания пыли в промежности»). Но вот ведь незадача – музыкантам этой группы выпало несчастье родиться в США, и в результате разница между Crotchduster и Lawnmower Deth подобна разнице между комедиями американскими и европейскими. А именно, все творчество Crotchduster ужасающе отдает вульгарностью (очень не люблю это слово, но здесь оно как раз к месту). То есть, посмеяться над альбомом очень даже можно, да и как тут остаться равнодушным, когда в рамках 42 минут представлен практически весь спектр современной музыки – от рэпа до грайндкора, от Bloodhound Gang до Dimmu Borgir, от акустических баллад до хоралов а ля Therion, причем все это сменяет друг друга с калейдоскопической быстротой, вокалисты демонстрируют широчайший диапазон техник пения, рычания и верещания, а структура композиций настолько непредсказуема, что даже Watchtower и Sieges Even обзавидуются. Но с другой стороны, та же самая калейдоскопичность играет с Crotchduster злую шутку – лучше всего запоминается, как ловко ребята пародируют, скажем, Slayer в “Big Top Williams” или Dimmu Borgir в “Stars Ingenious Cooper”, а свои собственные музыкальные решения кончаются настолько быстро, что практически не остаются в памяти слушателя (единственное исключение – роскошный рефрен в “Mammal Sauce”). Более того, для того, чтобы адекватно оценить нюансы юмора Crotchduster, нужно не просто владеть английским языком на хорошем уровне, нужно самому быть «нэйтивом» или иметь солидный опыт проживания в англо-говорящей стране. Да и разобравшись с этими нюансами, далеко не каждый будет рад – практически весь юмор вертится вокруг анального секса, мастурбации, копрофагии и тому подобных прелестей. А тот юмор, который выходит за эти рамки, и того хлеще – чего стоит хотя бы прочтение вымышленных писем группе от фанатов прямо в середине финального трека. Я так и не понял, кого Crotchduster высмеивают больше – заносчивых рок-звезд или их придурковатых поклонников, но, в любом случае, я счастлив, что сей коллектив не входит в число моих кумиров. В общем, как и большинство американских комедий, “Big Fat Box Of Shit” хорош для однократного употребления. Больше одного раза его смогут выдержать только те, кто не мыслит своей жизни без «Бивиса и Баттхеда» или “South Park”. (Диск предоставлен компанией Soyuz Music) |
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Because that dog is the man
I cant believe my eyes
Its shining in the sky
I hope cain enjoys my smell
So i can get inside
Welcome to my dumptruck
Inside williamsburgland
The power seats and cold a/c
Is under cains command
Men like me who poop and pee
Inside a coffee can
If you want to get inside
Three tests you will withstand
Dig a hole and live in it
And sleep in it for 15 days
Steal a goddamn police car
And drive it in a lake
Eat a prepubescent narcoleptic
Peeled and sauted steak
2. Big Top Williams
Welcome to the bottom of my pants
Eat my asshole
Shitting out a turkey leg in france
Heres 5 dollars
Im a nasty dirty little slut
Hey i hear ya
We're all bleeding
Here's a bagel
Vagina land
Let me fuck your pussy
Let me fuck that fuckin shit
If i had a crowbar
Id spread your ass open with it
Let me pinch your nipples
Let me smell your sweaty tits
Ill use my geographic tongue
And clean your buttcrack out with it
Smelling her big titties
Makes my monster arise
Her pussys winking at me
Like a wet gooey eye
Vagiflap the reason for cain
The way that he looks in my eye
Mammal sauce, so pleasantly fresh
My senators vagina in the sky
3. Cain Sings The Blues
My pants is tight
And my balls is long
My o is itchin
From this camel hair thong
My legs is sweaty
And my mind is too
Skip skiffington
Is the last angry jew
My hands is hairy
And my sight is gone
Because my willys been
Inside your mom
When i was 52 i had 3 balls
I bury living cats inside my walls
Girls are screaming
Boys are crying
Uncle teddys fish are dying
I got ghonorrea when i
Butt fucked a dead armadillo
Add 3 eggs, one stick of butter
Beat the shit out of your brother
Noctiforinontitaty fliptoronic sliptoflappy
(jim's insightful speech)
Gangleosis streaming dreams
Woke up in a box of beans
Wizards dragons demons blizzards
Stuff your rectum full of gizzards
Beavers in my ssl
I condemn them all to hell
Drinking beer out of your ass
Fuck your mom with broken glass
I hope mom will be home soon
So i can get some tasty poon
Shoots and ladders getting fatter
Puppy soup is not for me
Williamsburg upon the wall
Who says williams best of all
I'll throw liquid on your console
If i dont take my haldol
4. Let Me Into Starfish Land
The a train never stops
And i am headed for your hole
I'd be so lucky if i
Could cream in your asshole
There's so much shit that we
Could make each other do
I'd rather fuck your asshole
If that's o.k. with you
Here comes the honey
When i am through
But i am not done cause
Your asshole is so new
Open up wide, here comes the train
If your head was between your legs
Id love to screw your brain
Let me lick your asshole
Let me lick it clean
I'll take you all to starfish land
Let me lick your asshole
Let me lick it clean
I'll suck out all the peanuts
I'll suck out all the beans
I'll tongue fuck your rectum
I'll drive up your dirt road
I'll felch out my own semen
And spit it down your throat
I love bunnies
I love pink
I love my moms underpants
Especially when they stink
I love rainbows
I love balloons
I cried at forest gump
And disney cartoons
Boba fett, boba fett
Vader and boba fett
Lubed up mustard glove
Anal love
Traveling butt raping show
Steal a mercedes
And grab the old ladies
And grease up your o
She said that i could touch it
She said she'd let me in
I warmed her up with my middle finger
Some anal ease and gin
My wang was in her crap trap
Just about to explode
Her 30 year old stepmom
Came in and drank my load
5. Mr. Indigent Erection
Mr. indignant erection
Why must you be so brash
Lets play twister with wesson oil
Amd a meat cork for your ass
Have you ever felt a meat cork plunge you
Like a barium enema mass
Insufficient lubrication
Will damage your intestinal tract
Mothers not home
Lets have some fun
Make sure that daddys away
If they ever found out
What were doing here
They'd probably think we're gay
Mr. williams home
Just leave me alone
Captain tupperware
Rip out my pubic hair
Hey there captain dan
Welcome to butter land
Melted cheese and shit
Rub my face in it
Cadillac mac tick tack
A swolen sack attack
Praying to the cottage cheese
That runs within my mind
Cottage cheese we worship
Came from the crack in your behind
Masturbate the alligator
Masturbate the alligator
Frozen pudding logged in person
Elevate the elevator
Desecrate the nipulator
Praying for the nannys
Suck my stolen eye
Revibrate the devibrator
Let me inside of your asshole
300 pounds of toys melted
Into a log of hate
Realize that your mothers boyfriend sells potatoes
To a pimp
Work your way into my asshole
Grab a shovel theres no hassle
Welcome to my dick
6. Mammal Sauce
Listen up motherfucker
I got something i need to say
If you dont use mammal sauce
You might as well be gay
I feel it running through my brain
I feel it running through my eyes
You hear the name thats calling you
It makes you hypnotized
Williams
Sliptoflappy rappy
And a carpal tunnel pudding flanker
Nabble and a stampy and a
Pigeon smelling generator
See a chitlin wafer and a
Chocolate buttered horses ass
Frabble obble abble and a
Stupid monkey chicken gas
Chinese diarrhea prison carpet
Chunky harplegig
Nopaliaseah perforated
Purple parkle pig
My mammal sauce is the best mammal sauce
Spread mammal sauce on my wang
We make mammal sauce in bill williams loft
And we eat a bucket of tang
7. Jogging In Hell
You thought it was a toothbrush
But it was a flashlight
Broke out all your teeth
In the middle of the night
When i was a boy
When i was a man
Supercalaspacteoneunifonican
Eating in a boat
Dying in a dream
Jaking in a magic land
Thats made from shiny teeth
40 little girls and boys
Eating all their siblings toys
Waiting for a train inside
A russian immigration tank
Craving unpubescent narcoleptic
Peeled and sauted shrimp
Im feeling kind of nausious
Cause your mama was a pimpy man
Now im a toothless shitbag
But i can see at night
I hope aliens impregnate me
With a clone of wayne newton
Who is senator williams
What has he done for me
4 hits of bubble bath
Laced and cut with cheese
Pasturized with milk
Sedated with the danish
Cinnabun has just begun
To take over your teeth
8. Stars Ingenious Cooter (Live)
9. Crotchopus
Lets get in the van
Go to molly browns
I've been saving money for a month
If they close it down
We'll start a riot
Their damn atm charges ten dollars
Mystical vaginas are in my face
I smell the aroma of the gods
I'll give you the money
I brought with me
If you'll friction grind upon my rod
I'm done
That was like ten seconds
I got balls
(backwards stripper face)
I'd stick my hand right up her cartoon box
Too bad for her we dont have cartoon cocks
I'd like to give her a semen dip
Jessica rabbits got them cartoon tits
My dicks not hard it's just drawn that way
And we both know that the rabbits gay
I'd shoot up roger with some poison gas
So i could fuck you in your cartoon ass
Girl with a big face
I saw you at the bus stop
From a mile away
Even though it was really dark
Girl with a big face i love you more each day
Even though you're face
Is as big as a dinner plate
We hope that you enjoyed this
Crothcduster album
We hope that you like singing along
Right now we're really busy
Working on the next one
This time with help from doctor bronze